Amma, “I Don’t Want to Be Like You!”
Those words from my five-year-old daughter were enough to snap any mother out of her thoughts. My hands stopped moving as I stood in the kitchen.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to just cook all day.”
For a moment, I was furious. Had I reacted impulsively, I might have immediately reminded her of all those early mornings spent making fresh parathas, hand-rolled rotis, nihari, biryani, and carefully packed school lunches instead of sending boxed food. Was this really the appreciation for all that?
But then I paused.
She had always been a little philosopher trapped in a child’s body, so we had learned to take her words seriously.
Once, a neighborhood boy had asked my son, “What grade are you in?” He answered normally. Then he asked my daughter the same question. She had just started school that year, and without missing a beat she replied,
“Oh! I just started my journey.”
Listening from the next room, we couldn’t help but laugh.
So this time too, I stopped to think.
From her perspective, her mother spent the entire day thinking about food—planning it, cooking it, serving it. That was the only version of me she knew.
She belonged to a different generation. Unlike the world I grew up in, she saw women around her going to work, studying, building careers, and playing many different roles. Naturally, those women inspired her.
A while later, I started working from home. The best part was that it didn’t disturb the children’s routine. At that time, working remotely was still quite rare.
When the family learned about my job, the children’s reaction surprised me.
For the very first time, they discovered that their mother is an engineer.
My daughter’s eyes grew wide with amazement.
“You are an Engineer?”
The next day, she proudly announced it to her entire class.
That was the moment I realized something about myself.
Although I had continued studying and working from time to time, motherhood had become such a central part of my life that I had never even told my children I was anything besides their mother.
And that had been entirely my own choice.
Who doesn’t appreciate financial independence? Personal growth, a respectable job title, commuting to work—these things give you confidence. In countries where both spouses often need to work just to keep up with expenses, employment isn’t merely a choice; sometimes it’s a necessity.
Yet when my children were little, I simply couldn’t bring myself to leave them in someone else’s care.
A thought always stayed with me that If I want my children to become a certain kind of person, how can I expect someone else to shape them that way?
That said, everyone’s circumstances and priorities are different. They are not necessarily right or wrong. Often, only time reveals whether our choices served us well. Every person ultimately becomes their own greatest judge. Deep down, we all know where we made the right decisions and where we fell short—whether we successfully balanced career and parenting, stayed home to raise children, or perhaps neglected both.
That, however, is a separate discussion.
Let’s go back to our grandmothers’ generation.
Women were almost entirely confined to their homes. Very few studied beyond elementary school, and only one or two out of a hundred reached higher education. Spices were ground by hand on stone slabs. Salt was crushed at home. A woman’s worth was often measured by the meals she cooked. Sewing, embroidery, knitting, and housekeeping defined her skills. Families commonly had ten or eleven children. Older siblings practically raised the younger ones. Whether because of simplicity or poverty, children somehow grew up.
Then came our mothers’ generation. Girls increasingly completed high school, some graduated from women’s colleges, but attending university was still considered exceptional. Even during my own youth, there were people who believed universities were inappropriate places for girls. And even if a woman became a doctor or an engineer, marriage and family remained the ultimate destination. Whether she would actually work depended first on her parents, then on her husband and in-laws. Ironically, if a prospective family openly wanted a working daughter-in-law, they were often criticized for being greedy. Most girls themselves also dreamed of becoming homemakers after marriage.To be fair, the professional environment for women in our societies wasn’t particularly welcoming either.
One thing remained common in earlier generations “Financial dependence”.
Not every family was the same, but in many households women had little knowledge of the family’s finances. Men often controlled all financial decisions and even household expenses. Monthly budgets became constant sources of conflict. When financial decisions aren’t shared, women live with uncertainty, while men silently carry financial burdens their wives never fully understand.
The result?, The wife assumes the husband simply refuses to fulfill her wishes, while the husband feels unappreciated. Both suffer.Neither truly understands the other.
If the relationship itself becomes abusive or humiliating, many women still remain because they have no independent source of income.
Today’s generation lives in a completely different world. They grew up with the internet. Ideas travel across continents instantly. Young women now know that professional careers can provide financial security. They know they can hire help for household work if needed. They know that if a relationship becomes abusive—emotionally, physically, or financially—they are capable of supporting themselves. When people complain that divorce rates have increased, this is part of the reason. Many women no longer have to endure lifelong misery simply for two meals a day. Of course, many still choose to stay because of children or circumstances.
But another change happened too. The same internet that expanded opportunities also flooded our lives with endless comparisons. Luxury vacations, Destination weddings, Designer brands, Bigger houses, Newer cars, International travel, An endless parade of desires.
Gradually, success became measured almost entirely by money. Many women now leave home not only for purpose, confidence, financial independence, or necessity, but also to chase lifestyles that never truly satisfy, because wants quickly become needs.
And somewhere in this endless race, children and family values often begin to suffer. This is where the real problem lies.What is the purpose of life?, What does success actually mean?, When two people marry, what do they truly expect from one another?
Marriage isn’t merely a pleasant accident through which humanity continues. Children are not simply companions for old age. They are one of life’s greatest responsibilities. Raising them demands time, sacrifice, patience, money, and relentless effort. And one day, we will all be accountable for how we fulfilled that responsibility.
This is perhaps one of the most important lessons our generation must understand, and teach the next, because this very issue is causing children to suffer, not only in uneducated households but even in highly educated ones.
A few days ago, I visited my children’s school for a meeting. Outside, evening was settling over the playground where children from the after-school care program waited. One child sat in a caregiver’s lap. Others wandered quietly. A little girl lay sadly against the fence. I instinctively wanted to wipe away her sadness. One expression united both the caregivers and the children: Exhaustion.
I wasn’t the only ones who noticed.
The same little girl who had once declared at five, “I don’t want to be like you,” had now grown into a thoughtful fifteen-year-old.
“Mom, this shouldn’t be happening. These kids deserve to be at home. I really feel for them. Home is different.”
I nodded. “You’re right,” I said. “But sometimes parents don’t have another choice.”
She replied, “Maybe. But if it isn’t a necessity, then children shouldn’t have to stay somewhere else until evening. They should go home, eat, play with their own toys, watch T.V.
Then she smiled and said, “Home is a feeling.”
I smiled too. “You’re right. Becoming parents should be a thoughtful decision. And once you make that decision, your children deserve the time that belongs to them.”
Today, caught between education, financial pressures, and endless aspirations, this generation faces choices more difficult than ever before.
Time had quietly passed. Who knows what life will look like for the generations yet to come? There are still many lessons life has yet to teach us, and many consequences we have yet to witness.
A memory crossed my mind.
And I smiled.
Quratul Ain Saba